Under Pressure in the Feminist Community

Most feminists assert that as long as you believe in gender equality, you are a feminist. They encourage people to take on the feminist identity and wear it with pride. There's certainly no shame in being a feminist. At least, I don't think so, though I have been attacked for being an out and proud feminist by ignorant douchebuckets.

But I've found that while being a feminist is (supposedly) as easy as believing in gender equality, being a part of the feminist community is hard. Online and in club meetings, I'm in almost constant contact with people who believe that if you're a feminist, you should do X, or you shouldn't do Y, or you should also believe Z, etc. There are unofficial rules. Suddenly it's not enough to just believe in gender equality, you have to not only support but be actively involved in every social justice movement currently in existence; every consumer choice must be informed and socially responsible - local, small business, woman owned (ideally), fair trade, organic, vegan, doesn't support violent conflicts overseas or causes counter to the progressive agenda, etc.; donate most of your disposable income to charities, but only really good charities; avoid mainstream media and watch mostly independent movies and listen to independent music, especially stuff performed and produced by women, especially queer women and women of color, absolutely nothing that sexualizes women, or anything violent (violence is inherently counter to social justice, apparently); never support banks, you must keep your money in credit unions; stick to organic cosmetics that don't contain any carcinogens; I can list off all the "rules" I've been exposed to all day, but those are the ones off the top of my head.

There's nothing horrible about these rules, they all act to further important social justice campaigns. It's just really unrealistic to expect one person to adhere to all the rules the feminist community constantly tries to shove down the throats of its members. The model, ideal feminist is just that - ideal. It's hardly achievable. If you're poor, chances are you can't afford to adhere to the "rules" regarding what you should and should not buy, and where you should and should not buy it. Not to mention, poor and even middle class women don't have a lot of free time or resources to participate in social justice as much as the feminist community expects of its members. Third wave feminism may advocate for poor women, but the community itself is still one that poor women cannot participate in without feeling guilty, like they fall short of expectations. The conferences are expensive, the focus on academic theories and constant
examination and analysis of privilege is one that practically requires a college education.

Not to mention, it's counterproductive. Feminism counters the idea that women should live up to this socially constructed "ideal woman," because that impossible ideal is detrimental to women's self-esteem - but the feminist community has itself constructed an ideal feminist that is just as hard to live up to without tremendous sacrifice. The "ideal feminist" leaves little room for individuality. It's hard to be multidimensional and pursue one's unique set of interests if you're giving your whole self to social justice activism. I myself feel guilty for leaving Students for Choice early to attend ballet class.

In my middler year I threw myself into activism. When I wasn't in class or attending activist and political groups on campus, I was going from protest to protest, at each rally learning about upcoming events and going to whatever I could. But in doing so I sacrificed my other interests. Then, I'm ashamed to admit, the pendulum swung the other way when I went back to anime club and almost immediately began dating a guy in the club. Nowadays I try to strike a balance, it's the best thing I can do for myself. But that balance means that I still feel guilty for hearing about a protest or meeting or speakout or rally of some kind that my peers in Students For Choice or the Feminist Student Organization passionately compel each other to attend. I feel like a bad feminist for once again missing the CLPP conference, this year because my ballet recital is that weekend (in past years I've missed because of work - again, the almost inherent classism rears its ugly head, in order to attend CLPP you not only need money and transportation, but the whole weekend off, which isn't doable for people who work part time jobs, many of which not only prefer but require weekend availability).

Maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe it's anxiety, maybe I'm "just crazy" (because y'know, women are all insane), and maybe people aren't judging me as harshly as I think they are. Maybe I'm insecure and too desperate to win the approval of my peers - but isn't it human to want to win over the approval of the community you want to belong to? I can't be the only one internalizing all this pressure from the feminist community. Ultimately, this may do more harm than good. Encouraging each other to take up other causes and be informed consumers is one thing, and an intersectional approach certainly has merit, but the insane pressure to live up to this feminist ideal may be turning people off from the movement. It's the same way I don't identify as Wiccan, and sometimes I'm even hesitant to call myself Pagan because I may not be Pagan "enough," I may not know enough or worship enough or fit the model of a "correct" Pagan to deserve the identity. Sometimes I'm hesitant to even try to become a member of the feminist community because I feel inadequate.

Feminist Dating Advice #4: The Feminist Approach to "Who Pays"

(This one is for men and women)

The debate on "who pays" still rages on, and for feminists, it's not as simple as "the man" or "the woman." Feminism gets a lot of heat from men who are unhappy with the discourse that demands that men pay for most or all dates they go on, despite the fact that feminists aren't the ones perpetuating it - if anything, feminists are more likely to pay on dates than non-feminists. No I don't have an official statistic for it, but it's pretty fair to assume that someone who believes in gender equality for women also believes that men shouldn't be shouldered with all the financial burdens in a relationship.

First of all, it's important not to assume that just because someone's a feminist, they definitely want to either go Dutch or pay for everything, just like it's important not to assume that all feminists want to be dominant in their romantic and sexual relationships with men in general. Gender equality means that both parties in a relationship pay on dates. Being on a date means that, for the most part, one person pays for both people for each transaction - rather than each person pay for his or her self, which is something friends do when they're hanging out.

Now, if you ask someone on a date, whether you're a man or a woman, you should be prepared to pay for that date. Don't ever take someone somewhere, and then expect them to pay or say "by the way, you owe [X amount of money] for this." If you're expecting someone to pay for something you initiated, you should tell them in advance.

Douchebag story time: this summer a guy took me to the mountains for a weekend, and it wasn't until we got there that he said "oh yeah, you owe $20 in lodge fees for the weekend." Umm, what? I was a bit peeved for two reasons: 1) he hadn't told me that, and probably just assumed that despite being a full time student on a part-time hourly wage $20 would have been nothing; it wasn't a huge expense for me, but it was a substantial amount that I would have liked to have known about before going. 2) I felt that because he had initiated it, he invited me to go with him to a place that was practically his territory (property of a school club he, not I, was a member of), he should have at least offered to pay the fee. Being a feminist, and one who's constantly called out on less-than-feminist behavior, accused of not being a "real" feminist or being a "bad feminist," I didn't ask him to pay lest I risk sounding like a hypocrite. It wasn't a sexist move on his part, but it was a dick move, and one that I'm sure a lot of guys make in their attempts at more egalitarian dating dynamics. But guys, don't do this.

If two people agree to go somewhere in a "what should we do tonight" conversation, who pays for what is a little more up in the air. It can be decided based on who paid last and who has more disposable income at that moment, among other things - it's reasonable to have a dynamic where the person with more money, regardless of gender, pays more than the other. I've been in relationships where I paid more (almost all the time) because I had more money than he did, it just made more sense.

If you feel that you're paying more than the other and you want to make things a little more equal - guys, pay attention - sit the person down and have a conversation about it. Maturely. Without getting mad or making accusations. Before you go out on another date. Do not call the person out while on a date, get grouchy about having to pay, or murmur some hostile, passive-aggressive comment that's only going to bring down the evening for the both of you. This isn't something that should turn into a public argument.

In short, if you want gender equality in the relationship, you need to take gender out of the equation when deciding who pays.

Feminist Dating Advice #3

Don't let him call you crazy.

In my experience, I've found that guys LOVE to call girls crazy. Sure, we've all heard stories of truly bonkers things girls have done in relationships (and after them), but guys seem to label girls crazy for minor things too, or call a girl crazy for displaying any negative emotion when he doesn't think she has a "right" to feel that way.

Make no mistake, it's okay to get upset. It's okay to get angry. It's even okay to feel jealous. As long as those emotions don't lead to any violent or abusive actions, of course; it's important to know how to manage those emotions, and to say something when something first bothers you. It's tempting to say that something's okay when it's not, to keep the peace and seem easy-going. With all the relationship advice thrown at us by women's magazines and websites, it seems like the ideal girlfriend is someone who doesn't get annoyed at "guy behaviors," and someone who is passive and calm all the time. But it's healthy to tell your guy when something bothers you, rather than when you're fed up.

However, even when we do this, even when we do make an effort to manage our emotions and express them in a healthy way, things do occasionally bubble over. It's hard to handle frustration when you're already in a weakened state - tired, hungry, stressed out, PMSing, etc. When this happens, a good boyfriend will take the time to try to identify what's actually making you upset. A jerk will jump to conclusions, or worse, call you "crazy."

Don't take that shit.

You are not crazy. Say it with me - "I am not crazy." Now say it to him. You may be upset, you may be pissed off, you may be frustrated, you may be jealous, you may be a mixture of those very real and often very understandable emotions, but you are NOT crazy. Calling you crazy is dismissive, invalidating how you feel rather than trying to address the real problem that's upsetting you.

Now, if you start dating a guy and he says all his exes are crazy, beware. It's possible he's one of those jerks who's quick to call a girl crazy, and it's also possible that they were all "crazy" for the same reason - in other words, he kept pulling some dick move that upset a lot of girls. It's also possible that he's afraid they'll tell you something about him, something you don't want to know, and he thinks if he can convince you that they're not right in the head, you won't listen to them.

Feminist Dating Advice #2

This is regarding social networking profile pictures and instant messaging avatars:

I advise against using pictures of you and your significant other as your profile picture. The ideal picture if one of you, just you, and no one else. For obvious reasons, you want people looking at it to be sure which one is you. The less obvious reason is that by using a picture with other people in it, you're letting those people define you - and that's not good when that other person defining you is your significant other. A solo picture says "I may have friends, I may be dating someone, but I'm still my own person."

If you must use a picture with you and your boyfriend or girlfriend, follow these guidelines:

1) No kissing pictures. It's like a permanent PDA, and people can only see half your face.

2) Don't pick one where your S.O. is overpowering you. A lot of girls seem to choose a picture where he takes up most of the picture, and she's this little thing in the background you can barely see. Don't do that.

3) Center yourself. Crop the picture so you're in the center of the shot, and make sure the same rings true for your thumbnail picture. The thumbnail picture is small enough, you want to take up as much of it as you can.

Remember, it's your profile, and the picture should be of you! You can put all the couple pictures and makeout shots in albums or even post them directly to your wall. And certainly never make your profile picture as a couple shot just to impress the one you're dating, and they shouldn't expect you to do so. It's a nice gesture, but it's unnecessary in a healthy relationship.

And remember that you should never make your relationship your whole life. Let your significant other into your life, but a healthy relationship is just one small part of a well-rounded, fulfilled life.

Staying At Home the Feminist Way

There's a myth that that only productive way a stay-at-home girlfriend, wife, or mother can spend her day is by taking care of the housework, cooking dinner, and preparing herself for sex with her loved one - otherwise, she's just sitting on her ass, watching TV, eating bonbons - or going out, having lunch with the girls, and going shopping all day. That assumption stems from the idea that cleaning is the only way a woman can be productive if she's not working, and it's perpetuated as a way to keep non-working women spending the majority of their energy catering to the working man of the house. And while taking care of those things to some extent is responsible and helpful, there are other ways to spend that free time. So, inspired by the god-awful article in Brokelyn about how to be a stay-at-home girlfriend, this is the more empowered way for an unemployed woman to spend her days.

If you're looking for a job, that job search should be a full-time job in itself, or at least close to that. Wake up at roughly the same time you would if you were working, get to the computer, and look for job openings, send resumes, maybe even make some phone calls. But that's not all! Set aside some time during the day to increase your desirability as a job applicant. Learn a new language or other work-related skill, read some nonfiction, maybe even take a class or two at a community college or Learning Annex to gain some new skills (if you can afford it).

Find a hobby that's fun for you and only you, and something that primarily benefits you. Baking and knitting are nice, but avoid only doing those things for others. Find something relaxing, fun, and something that can enrich your life for the better. The more you do for your own enjoyment, the happier you will be - no matter what anyone says, your happiness is NOT a waste of time.

Remember, a job should be something fulfilling, and something you love doing. At least, that's what one should aspire to. Yes, the "man of the house" may be working in a job that makes him miserable just so he can bring home a paycheck, but that doesn't mean you need to work yourself into a stressful mess too! And if he doesn't like his job, he should be encouraged to be looking for a job that does make him happy. BOTH of you should make the goal of finding fulfilling jobs and activities that make you happy and enrich your lives.

Exercise! Try to find a half hour, and take a walk or jog, or do some calisthenics or toning moves in the living room. Don't do it to look good for a guy, don't do it because it's some mortal sin to "let yourself go," do it to be healthy! Sitting around all day is an easy habit for anyone staying at home all day to fall into, so avoid it by taking a little time each day to be active.

DO be responsible. You don't need to clean the whole house every day, but it does make sense to pull your own weight in terms of housework. At the very least, find one chore that needs tackling and do that. A little housework does relieve stress, and can even constitute as exercise. If nothing else, it could be a welcome break from sitting at the computer looking for jobs all day.

While it makes sense to take care of a little mundane housework during the day to keep the house or apartment from becoming a huge mess, no woman should have to spend her whole day being a "good girlfriend," with every activity done with the end goal being to please a man. Instead, remember that you're a human being too, and most of your day should be done with you in mind - your happiness, your future, and your well-being.

New Pet Peeve

One thing that really pisses me off is when people try to find any reason to discredit someone as a feminist.

Example: At least two people will comment on something I post on Facebook or Twitter, and use it to say I'm not a real feminist. I say feel fat one day, I'm a fake feminist. I make a comment on the Miss America pageant, so I must only be pretending to be a feminist.

There are people, some of my friends included, who have one image of what a feminist looks like, does, believes, likes, etc., and when someone doesn't conform or live up to that standard, these people go "HA! you're not really a feminist!"

Let me be perfectly clear. A feminist is not superwoman. Feminists have moments of weakness and insecurity, they struggle against the same social norms and pressures all women face, AND they have their (anti-feminist) guilty pleasures.

Also, not all feminists believe the same thing! Shocker, I know. Some feminists are against porn, some are for it, many are in between. Most feminists are pro-choice, some are pro-life. Some are against marriage, some really want to get married. Many feminists want to work outside the home, some want to stay at home and fulfill more traditional roles.

To put it simply: there's no one "right" way to be a feminist.

Also, a feminist is usually capable of enjoying something while still looking at it critically, and acknowledging some anti-feminist problems with it. For example, I love cheerleading, but I know there are sexualizing aspects of the sport. Just because something has some "bad" elements doesn't mean I have to hate it. I might hate it, like I really don't like Taylor Swift, but for some reason I also really like Ke$ha. Is she a feminist artist? Not really, but I find her music catchy and I just can't bring myself to hate her.

Back to the original topic. I find that the people who pounce on feminists like that and accuse them of not being real feminists are usually against feminism, usually because they have this one set image of what a feminist is. I say fuck 'em. I don't have to justify myself to anyone. I identify as a feminist, that's all that really matters.