Feminist Dating Advice #3

Don't let him call you crazy.

In my experience, I've found that guys LOVE to call girls crazy. Sure, we've all heard stories of truly bonkers things girls have done in relationships (and after them), but guys seem to label girls crazy for minor things too, or call a girl crazy for displaying any negative emotion when he doesn't think she has a "right" to feel that way.

Make no mistake, it's okay to get upset. It's okay to get angry. It's even okay to feel jealous. As long as those emotions don't lead to any violent or abusive actions, of course; it's important to know how to manage those emotions, and to say something when something first bothers you. It's tempting to say that something's okay when it's not, to keep the peace and seem easy-going. With all the relationship advice thrown at us by women's magazines and websites, it seems like the ideal girlfriend is someone who doesn't get annoyed at "guy behaviors," and someone who is passive and calm all the time. But it's healthy to tell your guy when something bothers you, rather than when you're fed up.

However, even when we do this, even when we do make an effort to manage our emotions and express them in a healthy way, things do occasionally bubble over. It's hard to handle frustration when you're already in a weakened state - tired, hungry, stressed out, PMSing, etc. When this happens, a good boyfriend will take the time to try to identify what's actually making you upset. A jerk will jump to conclusions, or worse, call you "crazy."

Don't take that shit.

You are not crazy. Say it with me - "I am not crazy." Now say it to him. You may be upset, you may be pissed off, you may be frustrated, you may be jealous, you may be a mixture of those very real and often very understandable emotions, but you are NOT crazy. Calling you crazy is dismissive, invalidating how you feel rather than trying to address the real problem that's upsetting you.

Now, if you start dating a guy and he says all his exes are crazy, beware. It's possible he's one of those jerks who's quick to call a girl crazy, and it's also possible that they were all "crazy" for the same reason - in other words, he kept pulling some dick move that upset a lot of girls. It's also possible that he's afraid they'll tell you something about him, something you don't want to know, and he thinks if he can convince you that they're not right in the head, you won't listen to them.

The Crazy Bitch Stereotype

Don't you just love it when a woman is labeled as crazy for being jealous? Or calling a guy "too many" times? Or getting mad at a guy? Yes, women are constantly under the threat of being put into the "Crazy Bitch" category, and this threat is one more way for the patriarchy to keep us in line.

We see it all the time in the media: reality shows where women have tantrums, breakdowns, and catfights. We see it in TV commercials where women stalk men. There's even a saying "bitches be crazy." Some people say that all women are crazy. But how can one gender, as a whole, be crazy?

Now, I don't want to excuse all negative female behavior. There is a line between being understandably mad at someone and flying off the deep end and actually assaulting or verbally abusing someone. However, the problem is that our culture identifies pretty much all reasonable anger and jealousy with being a crazy bitch. Because women aren't supposed to get mad. Ever. If they are mad or upset, it couldn't possibly have any merit, they're "just overreacting," or they "have issues" - or our feelings are just dismissed as being PMS.

There's still the expectation that women should be calm, pleasant, agreeable, and passive. These aren't just gendered expectations, they're still seen as the norm - there's the idea that all women are like that, and anything outside of that gender norm is usually labeled as crazy.

The problem is our negative emotions still aren't being taken seriously. If a girl gets mad at her boyfriend, it's not because he did something to upset her, there's no behavior or action that needs to be examined, no legitimate problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed - well, no problem other than her attitude. If she's upset, it's because she misunderstood something, she took something too seriously, she overreacted, she made a big deal out of nothing, and SHE needs to get her act together. It's not that he should stop flirting with other girls, she needs to be okay with it. He doesn't need to answer his phone, or return her calls or texts, she needs to be more patient.

The Crazy Bitch Stereotype doesn't just exist in heterosexual relationships, either. It exists in friendships as well, and roommate situations. A girl who gets mad at her roommates for not doing their share of the work, or having too many loud parties, or eating her food, is nuts. Unbearable. How DARE she tell others what to do? How dare she put her needs ahead of someone else's? Why can't she just deal with it?

This stereotype is just another way for our culture to keep us in line by demonizing women for getting too angry or upset, jealous or "obsessive." In other words, for feeling emotions that are deemed unladylike.

Dear Future Boyfriend

1) Before we date, please do some actual research about what feminism is. It's a big part of my life, so you better be familiar with it.

2) Don't make me a project. Either you like me or you don't, I'm not going to change for you.

3) Let's be very clear, you are only a boyfriend. You are not and should never act in the place of any male authority. You are also not my teacher, academic advisor, therapist, doctor, dietitian, life coach, or second father.

4) I am old enough and intelligent enough to make my own decisions - and yes, sometimes my own mistakes. NEVER try to undermine my autonomy by acting like you know what's best for me.

5) I have a bush. I'm not going to shave the bush. I'm not even going to trim it to your liking. I really couldn't give two shits how you prefer it to look or feel, it's not and will never be your pussy.

6) I am human. I get angry, upset, frustrated, stressed out, grumpy, cranky, annoyed, jealous, and a whole lot of other negative emotions from time to time. I also get overly excited, which is apparently also bad. If you prefer your girls to be happy and pleasant and calm and fart rainbows all the time, move to Stepford.

7) I have a past. I've been abused, sexually assaulted, and just plain treated like crap. I can't "just get over it," nor am I going to just forget what's happened.

Hm, I was trying to get to 10, but that's all I can think of right now.