Why I Don't Like Chivalry

1) It's a one-sided practice that maintains gender roles. He can and must do things for me but I can't reciprocate. I like to be able to do nice things for a guy - open doors for him, pay for dinner, drive, etc. - without him refusing or feeling emasculated.

2) There's usually an expectation that I will reciprocate in some other fashion. I keep hearing that dating is legal prostitution because the guy pays for things and he gets companionship and/or sex in return. Even if the guy doesn't see it that way, there's still an expectation that I will do "girlfriend" things, assuming the "woman's" role in the relationship, since he's assuming the "man's" role.

3) It gets in the way of equality. If I hear one more guy complain that women are hypocrites because they want equality but still expect chivalry I'm going to scream. I highly doubt there are that many women who want both - most women I know are either feminists who don't like chivalry, or anti-feminists who would rather maintain their status in society so men will keep doing things for them.

Which leads me to my 4th issue with chivalry:

4) Chivalry makes women feel okay with inequality. I'm 90% convinced that's part of why it was implemented in society, so women will feel superior, and so women will be okay with how things are. As long as men keep doing nice things for them and treating them like princesses and queens, they will be okay with gender inequality and won't question it, let alone fight it. It's similar to the feminine mystique in the 1950's, make the life of a housewife look charming and irresistible so women will love their status as second class citizens.

5) It's a simplistic approach to dating. We're stuck on this idea that a "good boyfriend" foots the bill and gets the door, rather than setting higher, more complex standards for what makes a good partner. Doing nice things for a girl mean very little if they're done out of obligation. Paying for dinner means nothing if he's condescending towards me during the meal and doesn't listen to what I have to say. Getting the door for me isn't nearly as important as how he treats me when we're inside.

6) It's makes a lot of assumptions. It assumes that every couple has both a cisgendered, heterosexual man and a cisgendered, heterosexual woman. It also assumes that the man has more money, is stronger, and more able-bodied. This doesn't do much for a guy's self-esteem if he can't afford to take a girl out on a date or buy her presents, and it really doesn't help a guy's self-worth if he's handicapped and can't open the door for his date, or if he's vision impaired and can't drive her to the restaurant. I definitely think it's a problem when guys feel emasculated just because they can't do "the man's job" in the relationship.

Now, I have no problem with a guy getting the door if he gets there right before me. It's when he sprints in front of me to get it, holds the door when I'm still fifty feet away, or doesn't let me hold the door for him that I get a little peeved. I have no problem with a guy paying for dinner, or lunch, or breakfast, or whatever, and I may let him pay for most meals if he's making more money than me. I'm not a fan of going Dutch most of the time, usually I'll only go for it if we're just friends. But if he insists on paying for ALL the things and never lets me reciprocate, there's a problem. And yes, I'm aware that some servers will judge a guy if he doesn't foot the bill, I think that's garbage.

To Men, About Feminism

Men, as much as I encourage you to become feminists or at least support feminism, I do not require it of you. You're allowed to choose not to be a feminist. You are, of course, allowed to join the movement if you want. However, whether you choose to join or not, there are some things you need to know:

1) Don't derail the discussion.
For example, if people are talking about Female Genital Mutilation, do NOT jump in and start ranting about male circumcision. While the two are similar in nature and have some parallels, they have a stark contrast in severity. If people are talking about barriers women face in the workforce, don't start going on about how there are some feminine jobs that men have a hard time entering. If people are talking about one thing, don't try to shift the topic to something pertaining to men's rights. While men's rights are of importance to feminism and do merit mention in some situations, by shifting a conversation to men's rights you are saying that men's rights should come first, and that whatever women's problem they're talking about couldn't possibly be anywhere near as important as men's problems.

And when you do bring up men's rights issues, don't be a jerk. Don't accuse people of being stupid  and misandrist just because they're talking about a problem as it pertains to women, and you really shouldn't insult them and call them gendered slurs such as "bitch" or "cunt."

2) Don't make it about you.
You don't rape women? You don't say sexist things? You're not like that? That's nice, here's a cookie. Just because you don't do something doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Just because you don't think a certain way doesn't mean no one does. Just because you don't know any misogynist people doesn't mean they don't exist. Just because you live in a blissful equality bubble doesn't mean sexism doesn't exist. And when people talk about male privilege, don't write it off just because you don't consider yourself "a sexist." A lot of people have unexamined privilege that they ought to take a look at, and a lot of people have prejudices they may not be aware of. Even women tend to harbor internalized misogyny. So be open the fact that you may be a little bit sexist, and be open to the fact that sexism exists outside your little social bubble.

3) Don't try to take the reigns.
Maybe you have some great ideas as to how feminism can move forward as a social movement and adapt to the changing times. STOP. Especially if you're new or not even a part of the movement. You may make suggestions if you're educated about what feminism actually is and why it operates the way it does. However, outright saying that feminism should change its name, that feminists should adopt a different demeanor, that feminists should shift their focus and prioritize different things, and then getting angry and frustrated when people say "no, we're not gonna do that" is not okay. It may be about equality, but your place is not to lead the movement and make major decisions for all feminists. That's not how it works.

4) HEY! LISTEN!
Just because you have a mom and a sister and a girlfriend and some female friends does not mean you are an expert on women's issues or what it means to be a woman. In order to really understand it, LISTEN to women when they talk about what it's like to be a woman, and read books and blogs about feminism. Do not reject ideas just because you don't think they pertain to the women you know. Do not tell women to just suck it up and overcome whatever obstacles are in their path, don't tell them to just "get" some self-esteem or tell them to stop being so weak. You will show your privilege and you will sound ignorant as all hell.

Confession: I Don't Like Superhero Movies

I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. I just don't like them. Watching The Avengers the other night and realizing that despite how well made it was, or how awesome Joss Whedon is, I just wasn't into it. I tried to figure out why. I came up with some feminist reasons, things that bothered me regarding the tokenism and how Black Widow was so heavily sexualized, but no, that wasn't it. I still can't figure it out, but superhero movies, for the most part, just don't interest me.

That's not to say I hate them. If my family wants to watch it for a family movie night, or a guy I'm seeing wants me to see it with him, or some friends (male or female) invite me to see it with them, I'll probably accept, because then it's social viewing. But I'm usually not one to go "oh my god, I HAVE to see this movie!" and wait in line for hours to see it at midnight.

I don't hate all action movies either. I really liked Kick Ass, I loved Sucker Punch, and I was one of the first people to see The Hunger Games at midnight. I also like some action anime. Not all, mind you, I never got into G Gundam but I really liked Gantz and I've recently got into Blood+ and Corpse Princess. And I am very much into horror movies, the gorier the better. So I don't hate all things masculine.

But I don't like that I don't like superhero movies or comics. They're pretty much the quintessential nerd genre, nerds are expected to like them just as nowadays we're expected to love Star Trek, Game of Thrones, and Dr. Who (especially us girl nerds), and as a self-identified nerd I feel like I'm supposed to like them or I may not be considered a real nerd. And nerd culture aside, I'm afraid if I admit to not liking the genre, my dislike will be attributed to my gender. To others, it may not be purely a matter of taste, but a matter of a woman not liking superhero stuff because she is a woman, and thus has different (read: inferior) taste and doesn't get it. In other words, they'll see me as a (stereo)typical girl. They may chuckle and pat me on the head and say "hehe, it's okay," adding in their head but never saying out loud: "after all, you're just a woman." Worse, I'll reinforce the stereotype that women as a while don't like or "get" superhero stuff, that women are just inherently different after all and thus feminism, as they keep insisting, really is irrelevant; that a woman couldn't possibly be genuinely into superhero movies or be a "real" nerd because nerdy things are for men and women don't like that stuff, so they don't really belong there.

Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don't want to be seen as the reason, or even part of the reason, why female nerds can't have nice things. So I try to keep my dislike of superhero stuff to myself when around other nerds.

On Dress Codes

I'm bringing this up now because of the recent events in Brooklyn, where high school students protested a dress code that targeted young women's bodies. I've always had an opinion on dress codes. Reasonable ones are okay. For example, disallowing outfits where underwear is purposefully shown makes sense (see-through shirts, pants pulled halfway down the butt, "whale tails," and even bra straps showing is kinda tacky).To an extent, I understand private prep schools wanting students to look a certain, well, preppy way. However, when a dress code targets young women, or when the language is vague but the rules are mostly applied to female students, and the purpose is to make women less distracting, then I have a real problem.

This was a problem in middle school. Our dress code was pretty reasonable and reasonably enforced when we had a female principal. Then, when she left and we got Mr. Sanchioni, everything changed. By the time 8th grade rolled around, us girls couldn't wear tank tops, or anything strapless really (unless the straps were, I think, about an inch thick), short skirts, open toed shoes, or any outfit that showed any skin between the pants and shirt. Now, it's reasonable to ban cropped tops from a middle school, but they didn't even want outfits that showed skin when girls sat down or bent over. And while some teachers didn't care, others were extremely nitpicky and would approach girls at their lockers telling them to cover up. I was barely a teenager and I knew there was something wrong with it.

And why did we have this rule? Because bare skin was distracting to male students. I had to cover my body so the guys could learn. It had nothing to do with my well-being or my ability to learn, this wasn't about making sure young girls weren't overly sexualized, this wasn't even about imposing rules to give me the structure I needed to grow as an adolescent. This was purely about making sure the boys could learn. THAT was unfair. The message was "don't dress like a skank, the boys need to learn."

It didn't occur to them that girls were distracted too. Sometimes it was because of attractive guys, but usually because both guys and girls were being douchebags. I remember being picked on for having unplucked eyebrows, for having clothes that weren't trendy, for having skin that was oily and broken out, for my posture (people kept saying I walked with my chest thrust out, although I never did it on purpose), for my enlarged thyroid gland, for having a (real) boyfriend in Canada, for being half Canadian myself, the list goes on and on. I wonder if the principal cared about the bullying that was going on right under his nose. I also wondered if he was even aware that some girls felt the need to dumb themselves down in class, or that girls who did show their intelligence or actually tried in class were punished by their peers. Finally, it was really distracting to constantly worry if I was showing too much skin, it was distracting to be called out for showing "too much skin" when I sat down. Most of the female students were understandably outraged about the strict dress code, and not just because they wanted to look like they were "at the beach."

Unreasonably strict dress codes that target girls over boys are an unnecessary waste of energy. They distract students and teachers from the learning process by making people overly focused on clothing rather than education. Dress codes also hardly solve the larger problems that distract students from learning, such as bullying and harassment that hardly stem from girls showing their shoulders.

No, I Don't Think Women Are Weak

I've blogged about this before but it warrants repeating. I, nor any feminist I know personally, thinks that all women are weak and need men to protect them. That's pretty much the opposite of what feminism as a whole believes. HOWEVER, we do acknowledge that women are human, therefore exhibit a range of strength, and some women are weak and vulnerable just like some men are weak and vulnerable. Feminists also acknowledge that this vulnerability is often taken advantage of, and that women are being screwed over in many ways that do warrant legal reform in order to prevent said screwing over.

The goal of feminism is not to turn every woman on the planet into a stoic badass. We do think that's a perfectly okay way to be, and we want to encourage that through empowerment. However, there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable, or sensitive, or emotional, or exhibiting any traits that are considered feminine and thus "weak." Women. Are. Human. And as humans, we are subject to the world around us whether we like it or not - anyone who has ever studied sociology, psychology, or communications will tell you that socialization does affect how a person develops. Looking glass self and all those fancy buzzwords. We shouldn't be surprised when women act the way they've been expected to act their whole lives, and we certainly shouldn't put down that behavior. If a woman chooses to embrace her vulnerability, or whatever other "weak," feminine traits within her, that's her own damn business. Feminism is about choice, remember? And remember that feminists also want men to be allowed to show their vulnerable sides as well.

That said, it's not sexist or somehow bad for women to acknowledge that women are getting the shitty end of the stick. They are being raped and beaten far more often than men, they are being paid less than men, they are still discriminated against. And while women should be empowered to fight that crap, there should be laws in place to protect them from the bullshit. I'm not saying every woman needs a knight in shining armor, but for god's sake, it's the law's JOB to protect people from being hurt and screwed over. It's just an unfortunate coincidence that the police forces and court systems are still dominated by men. That should change too, by the way.

Now, this came up when I posted something on Tumblr saying that if a woman feels uncomfortable in a situation - specifically, if she perceives a guy as "creepy," she should be allowed to trust her instincts and act accordingly. The reaction was that I was assuming women were all weak and needed protecting, and that most women unfairly label men "creepy" when they really should consider why they feel that way. Yes, a woman's perception could be shaped by sexism, ageism, racism, etc., but we shouldn't assume that's always the case. A woman could examine her perception and why she felt unsafe AFTER she has gotten to a safe place or situation. It's about priorities: safety first, then in-depth examinations of privilege. We need to trust that women can make decisions for themselves, especially in regards to safety. This is not about women needing to be protected, it's about women protecting themselves from perceived threats.

Silly me, I thought that women who ignored their instincts and stayed in creepy situations just to be nice and politically correct were the "stupid" ones that needed empowerment. Isn't teaching women how to protect themselves usually considered empowerment?

Race and Nerd Culture

It may not be my place for several reasons to discuss this matter, but I do feel it should be acknowledged. Nerd culture, along with being predominantly male, is overwhelmingly white as well. In fact, nerd culture is strongly associated with whiteness more than it is associated with maleness, as indicated by the song "White 'n' Nerdy" and the commonly phrase "I'm so white" to describe just how nerdy someone is.

Now, I can sort of give anime and Japanese video games a slight pass for having mostly white and Asian characters. There aren't many people of color in Japan, so you can't expect a high level of them in the media. They do exist in anime, of course. There's Anthy from Revolutionary Girl Utena - though I can't shake the fact that she's the most dehumanized character in the entire series, constantly being slapped, literally being treated like a slave and an object, and being extremely passive and allowing herself to be handed from person to person. A better example of women of color in anime is one of the girls in Nana whose name has escaped me since it's been entirely too long since I've watched the anime or read the series and Wikipedia is not helping. I remember her being a much stronger character, but still relatively marginalized. At my panel, a girl mentioned that she understands why there are so few people of color in anime, but she's always thrilled when she comes across them.

The interesting thing when it comes to race and gender in anime is that there are very few protagonists who are women of color. However, in Samurai Champloo one of the male protagonists is dark skinned, and there is of course Afro Samurai, one of the few dubs my anime club agreed to watch due to Samuel L. Jackson's voice acting.

While it's understood why these characters are few and far between, what we need to acknowledge the impact it has on American anime culture. Not only does it perpetuate stereotypes and makes it seem as though anime isn't "for" people of color, it leads to people of color having very few cosplay options if they wish to cosplay within their race - the alternative is to cosplay a white or Asian character, and risk getting some pretty harsh and racist backlash from people at the convention and from commenters on any pictures or videos they appear in. Low representation of a group in any form of media can have a negative impact on that group's psychological well-being and self-esteem, as well as the way they are perceived in the surrounding culture.

What's harder to excuse is the low representation of people of color - as well as Asians - in American comics, video games, webcomics, and science fiction movies, as well as British movies and TV shows commonly associated with nerd culture such as Doctor Who and Harry Potter. These countries have much higher numbers of blacks, Hispanics, and other ethnicities that are barely represented in the media in general. I for one cannot name any black superheros, and while I don't know of every comic ever created, I am fairly familiar with the more mainstream ones. My favorite internet cartoon series, Neurotically Yours, has one black character - a squirrel, naturally, and a very stereotypical black character at that. Not to bash NY too much, I love the series and that flaw isn't really going to change that, but it's a flaw worth pointing out.

I remember watching a friend of mine play a video game with a highly stereotypical black character on it, and when I pointed out the racism he said "nah, he's cool! and it's funny!" Well, easy for white people to find racial stereotypes hilarious, and I'm not saying I don't laugh when black people make fun of white people, but white people are the privileged group, the one in power, so it is different when we laugh at anther race's expense.

Another reason why we see so few people of color participating in nerd culture has to do with the connection between economic status and race. It's not racist to point out the remaining de facto segregation still affecting many African Americans and Hispanics, or the racial gaps in wage, employment, and education. This means that statistically, white people are more likely than black or Hispanic people to be middle and upper class, and that's pretty much the class you need to be in to even partially participate in nerd culture. Being a nerd is expensive! Manga is expensive, anime DVDs are expensive, video games are expensive, going to a convention is really expensive, merchandise is expensive, hell even the cost of comic books can add up. Not to mention, in order to watch anime legally you need to either buy DVDs, get a Netflix account, have cable, or at the very least have an internet connection that supports streaming (it's really frustrating to watch anything on a slow connection) - all of which cost money, though these things are usually taken for granted by most people in my anime club. Schools that have anime clubs are typically the wealthy schools mostly attended by white kids, whereas inner city schools that are predominantly attended by African American and Hispanic kids hardly have the money for after school clubs at all. Get anime from the library? Yeah, a good library in a middle class community perhaps. People in low income communities simply do not have the same access to nerd culture as people in more affluent neighborhoods. Unfortunately, the costs associated with being a nerd can skew the racial makeup of the subculture.

There are multiple systems of privilege that exist in nerd culture as well as American society as a whole. The main difference is that nerd culture prides itself on being so egalitarian and so "past" discrimination that they feel it's okay to engage in "ironic" sexism and racism, and they don't ever feel the need to examine their privileges even for a second, because they're "above" needing to do so. Any hint that this isn't true, that nerds are just as susceptible to discrimination is dismissed at best and met with anger and extreme defensiveness at worst. This, and the fact that I'm becoming increasingly involved with the subculture, is why I am now choosing to focus on the systems of privilege, especially gender dynamics, within it.

"Housewife" is NOT an Insult!

It really bothers me when someone used the term "housewife" - usually 1950's housewife specifically - to describe someone they believe has little autonomy, self-worth, empowerment, or mind of her own. And it pisses me off.

For one thing, a woman is a housewife for one of two reasons: either she has chosen to do so, or she felt pressure from her social situation to do so. In the former scenario, we shouldn't shame a woman for her choice, even if we don't agree with it. She probably didn't choose it because it was the easy way out, because she had no "real" aspirations or dreams of her own, or because she has little personality and opinions and wants a man to dominate her. She probably did it because she just wanted that lifestyle, and found real fulfillment in homemaking and being with her children. Good for her. It's not for everyone, and it's certainly not feasible for everyone, but good for her all the same. Remember, feminism is about choices, and just as the second wave petitioned for the right to work, so must we defend the social right to stay at home.

In the latter scenario, where the woman felt an immense pressure to be a housewife either for social or religious reasons, we can't shame her for doing what she was socialized to do. It's maddening when this happens in general. Sure, we can encourage women to go against the grain and flip the middle finger to those who control her, but to actually expect women to do so and then shame them for failing to rise above social pressures is unrealistic. Not to mentioned privileged. Most of the people who have told me to "just ignore" social pressures tend to be guys, and while guys certainly feel social pressure, it's not the same as it is for women. Women, especially young women, are given all sorts of messages from the cradle to the grave about what it means to be a "good woman," a "good girl," a nice girl. From my research, I've found that all the pressure young women are under as they grow up can take a really serious toll on them emotionally.

Now, when I explain this to guys, they laugh. They don't see it, they don't experience it, they usually don't inflict it, so they don't see what the big deal it. They may not see it because women aren't supposed to show it, even to each other, leading many of us to feel alone. These guys think that anyone who can't take this pressure in stride must just be a "pussy," because it can't be that hard. OR that anyone who even acknowledges it is sexist against women. Women are strong, they say, women can handle it. At least, empowered women can.

Back to the housewife issue, I can't understand why people shame women for just being what everyone around them expects them to be. They're put in a double bind, either do what her parents and her partner and her church and her social class expect of her, or do what more progressive people want her to do which is rebel - and she can't possibly please everyone. So she could just please herself, but at what cost? Losing the support of those she loves, experiencing great shame from those around her, to name a few. Losing membership of the church she has been otherwise loyal to her whole life. At this point, what does she want? She can't tell. And if she chooses wrong, someone will probably still make assumptions about her motives, especially if her choice isn't what they think is best for her.

The problem is, and this is typically what male privilege prevents guys from understanding, is that even now in the 21st century, women are still being socialized to be pleasers. Please their parents, please their friends, their boyfriends, people on the street, their church - everything they do, they are expected to do with others in mind. They're still expected to be police, nice, and selfless. Even when a woman does do something genuinely for herself, others assume she must be doing something for attention or validation from someone. Living for yourself, for a woman, is seen as a largely selfish act. Don't want to have kids? Selfish. Don't want to stay at home? Selfish. Don't want to work? Selfish. Don't want to put on makeup and look pretty when you go to the mall? Selfish. (yeah, really. I know there are times, like a formal event or job interview, when you need to look nice, but I've gotten some pretty harsh looks for going out in public with just a t-shirt, jeans, loose ponytail, and no makeup. people actually look disgusted and offended that I didn't doll myself up.)

There are two things I'm trying to get at: 1) Do not use the term "housewife" as an insult. The choice to become a housewife is a complex one that has many social and economic factors and the fact that someone is a housewife is not really indicative of her personality or her level of self-worth. 2) Stop shaming women for not rising above the social pressures they've had to deal with their whole lives. Again, it's a complex, social and psychological issue, and just because someone has a hard time rebelling against society doesn't mean they're weak, stupid or immature, and to make those kinds of judgments is hardly fair to that person.

I think I've said this before on my blog, but for the love of god, let women be human. Let us have bad days, moments of weakness, self-doubt, etc. without shaming us for said humanity. I am a person, I should not be expected to "rise above" my gender or its expectations and become this superhero you think a feminist or empowered woman is supposed to be.