I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. I just don't like them. Watching The Avengers the other night and realizing that despite how well made it was, or how awesome Joss Whedon is, I just wasn't into it. I tried to figure out why. I came up with some feminist reasons, things that bothered me regarding the tokenism and how Black Widow was so heavily sexualized, but no, that wasn't it. I still can't figure it out, but superhero movies, for the most part, just don't interest me.
That's not to say I hate them. If my family wants to watch it for a family movie night, or a guy I'm seeing wants me to see it with him, or some friends (male or female) invite me to see it with them, I'll probably accept, because then it's social viewing. But I'm usually not one to go "oh my god, I HAVE to see this movie!" and wait in line for hours to see it at midnight.
I don't hate all action movies either. I really liked Kick Ass, I loved Sucker Punch, and I was one of the first people to see The Hunger Games at midnight. I also like some action anime. Not all, mind you, I never got into G Gundam but I really liked Gantz and I've recently got into Blood+ and Corpse Princess. And I am very much into horror movies, the gorier the better. So I don't hate all things masculine.
But I don't like that I don't like superhero movies or comics. They're pretty much the quintessential nerd genre, nerds are expected to like them just as nowadays we're expected to love Star Trek, Game of Thrones, and Dr. Who (especially us girl nerds), and as a self-identified nerd I feel like I'm supposed to like them or I may not be considered a real nerd. And nerd culture aside, I'm afraid if I admit to not liking the genre, my dislike will be attributed to my gender. To others, it may not be purely a matter of taste, but a matter of a woman not liking superhero stuff because she is a woman, and thus has different (read: inferior) taste and doesn't get it. In other words, they'll see me as a (stereo)typical girl. They may chuckle and pat me on the head and say "hehe, it's okay," adding in their head but never saying out loud: "after all, you're just a woman." Worse, I'll reinforce the stereotype that women as a while don't like or "get" superhero stuff, that women are just inherently different after all and thus feminism, as they keep insisting, really is irrelevant; that a woman couldn't possibly be genuinely into superhero movies or be a "real" nerd because nerdy things are for men and women don't like that stuff, so they don't really belong there.
Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don't want to be seen as the reason, or even part of the reason, why female nerds can't have nice things. So I try to keep my dislike of superhero stuff to myself when around other nerds.
Showing posts with label nerd culture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nerd culture. Show all posts
Monday, June 11, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Race and Nerd Culture
It may not be my place for several reasons to discuss this matter, but I do feel it should be acknowledged. Nerd culture, along with being predominantly male, is overwhelmingly white as well. In fact, nerd culture is strongly associated with whiteness more than it is associated with maleness, as indicated by the song "White 'n' Nerdy" and the commonly phrase "I'm so white" to describe just how nerdy someone is.
Now, I can sort of give anime and Japanese video games a slight pass for having mostly white and Asian characters. There aren't many people of color in Japan, so you can't expect a high level of them in the media. They do exist in anime, of course. There's Anthy from Revolutionary Girl Utena - though I can't shake the fact that she's the most dehumanized character in the entire series, constantly being slapped, literally being treated like a slave and an object, and being extremely passive and allowing herself to be handed from person to person. A better example of women of color in anime is one of the girls in Nana whose name has escaped me since it's been entirely too long since I've watched the anime or read the series and Wikipedia is not helping. I remember her being a much stronger character, but still relatively marginalized. At my panel, a girl mentioned that she understands why there are so few people of color in anime, but she's always thrilled when she comes across them.
The interesting thing when it comes to race and gender in anime is that there are very few protagonists who are women of color. However, in Samurai Champloo one of the male protagonists is dark skinned, and there is of course Afro Samurai, one of the few dubs my anime club agreed to watch due to Samuel L. Jackson's voice acting.
While it's understood why these characters are few and far between, what we need to acknowledge the impact it has on American anime culture. Not only does it perpetuate stereotypes and makes it seem as though anime isn't "for" people of color, it leads to people of color having very few cosplay options if they wish to cosplay within their race - the alternative is to cosplay a white or Asian character, and risk getting some pretty harsh and racist backlash from people at the convention and from commenters on any pictures or videos they appear in. Low representation of a group in any form of media can have a negative impact on that group's psychological well-being and self-esteem, as well as the way they are perceived in the surrounding culture.
What's harder to excuse is the low representation of people of color - as well as Asians - in American comics, video games, webcomics, and science fiction movies, as well as British movies and TV shows commonly associated with nerd culture such as Doctor Who and Harry Potter. These countries have much higher numbers of blacks, Hispanics, and other ethnicities that are barely represented in the media in general. I for one cannot name any black superheros, and while I don't know of every comic ever created, I am fairly familiar with the more mainstream ones. My favorite internet cartoon series, Neurotically Yours, has one black character - a squirrel, naturally, and a very stereotypical black character at that. Not to bash NY too much, I love the series and that flaw isn't really going to change that, but it's a flaw worth pointing out.
I remember watching a friend of mine play a video game with a highly stereotypical black character on it, and when I pointed out the racism he said "nah, he's cool! and it's funny!" Well, easy for white people to find racial stereotypes hilarious, and I'm not saying I don't laugh when black people make fun of white people, but white people are the privileged group, the one in power, so it is different when we laugh at anther race's expense.
Another reason why we see so few people of color participating in nerd culture has to do with the connection between economic status and race. It's not racist to point out the remaining de facto segregation still affecting many African Americans and Hispanics, or the racial gaps in wage, employment, and education. This means that statistically, white people are more likely than black or Hispanic people to be middle and upper class, and that's pretty much the class you need to be in to even partially participate in nerd culture. Being a nerd is expensive! Manga is expensive, anime DVDs are expensive, video games are expensive, going to a convention is really expensive, merchandise is expensive, hell even the cost of comic books can add up. Not to mention, in order to watch anime legally you need to either buy DVDs, get a Netflix account, have cable, or at the very least have an internet connection that supports streaming (it's really frustrating to watch anything on a slow connection) - all of which cost money, though these things are usually taken for granted by most people in my anime club. Schools that have anime clubs are typically the wealthy schools mostly attended by white kids, whereas inner city schools that are predominantly attended by African American and Hispanic kids hardly have the money for after school clubs at all. Get anime from the library? Yeah, a good library in a middle class community perhaps. People in low income communities simply do not have the same access to nerd culture as people in more affluent neighborhoods. Unfortunately, the costs associated with being a nerd can skew the racial makeup of the subculture.
There are multiple systems of privilege that exist in nerd culture as well as American society as a whole. The main difference is that nerd culture prides itself on being so egalitarian and so "past" discrimination that they feel it's okay to engage in "ironic" sexism and racism, and they don't ever feel the need to examine their privileges even for a second, because they're "above" needing to do so. Any hint that this isn't true, that nerds are just as susceptible to discrimination is dismissed at best and met with anger and extreme defensiveness at worst. This, and the fact that I'm becoming increasingly involved with the subculture, is why I am now choosing to focus on the systems of privilege, especially gender dynamics, within it.
Now, I can sort of give anime and Japanese video games a slight pass for having mostly white and Asian characters. There aren't many people of color in Japan, so you can't expect a high level of them in the media. They do exist in anime, of course. There's Anthy from Revolutionary Girl Utena - though I can't shake the fact that she's the most dehumanized character in the entire series, constantly being slapped, literally being treated like a slave and an object, and being extremely passive and allowing herself to be handed from person to person. A better example of women of color in anime is one of the girls in Nana whose name has escaped me since it's been entirely too long since I've watched the anime or read the series and Wikipedia is not helping. I remember her being a much stronger character, but still relatively marginalized. At my panel, a girl mentioned that she understands why there are so few people of color in anime, but she's always thrilled when she comes across them.
The interesting thing when it comes to race and gender in anime is that there are very few protagonists who are women of color. However, in Samurai Champloo one of the male protagonists is dark skinned, and there is of course Afro Samurai, one of the few dubs my anime club agreed to watch due to Samuel L. Jackson's voice acting.
While it's understood why these characters are few and far between, what we need to acknowledge the impact it has on American anime culture. Not only does it perpetuate stereotypes and makes it seem as though anime isn't "for" people of color, it leads to people of color having very few cosplay options if they wish to cosplay within their race - the alternative is to cosplay a white or Asian character, and risk getting some pretty harsh and racist backlash from people at the convention and from commenters on any pictures or videos they appear in. Low representation of a group in any form of media can have a negative impact on that group's psychological well-being and self-esteem, as well as the way they are perceived in the surrounding culture.
What's harder to excuse is the low representation of people of color - as well as Asians - in American comics, video games, webcomics, and science fiction movies, as well as British movies and TV shows commonly associated with nerd culture such as Doctor Who and Harry Potter. These countries have much higher numbers of blacks, Hispanics, and other ethnicities that are barely represented in the media in general. I for one cannot name any black superheros, and while I don't know of every comic ever created, I am fairly familiar with the more mainstream ones. My favorite internet cartoon series, Neurotically Yours, has one black character - a squirrel, naturally, and a very stereotypical black character at that. Not to bash NY too much, I love the series and that flaw isn't really going to change that, but it's a flaw worth pointing out.
I remember watching a friend of mine play a video game with a highly stereotypical black character on it, and when I pointed out the racism he said "nah, he's cool! and it's funny!" Well, easy for white people to find racial stereotypes hilarious, and I'm not saying I don't laugh when black people make fun of white people, but white people are the privileged group, the one in power, so it is different when we laugh at anther race's expense.
Another reason why we see so few people of color participating in nerd culture has to do with the connection between economic status and race. It's not racist to point out the remaining de facto segregation still affecting many African Americans and Hispanics, or the racial gaps in wage, employment, and education. This means that statistically, white people are more likely than black or Hispanic people to be middle and upper class, and that's pretty much the class you need to be in to even partially participate in nerd culture. Being a nerd is expensive! Manga is expensive, anime DVDs are expensive, video games are expensive, going to a convention is really expensive, merchandise is expensive, hell even the cost of comic books can add up. Not to mention, in order to watch anime legally you need to either buy DVDs, get a Netflix account, have cable, or at the very least have an internet connection that supports streaming (it's really frustrating to watch anything on a slow connection) - all of which cost money, though these things are usually taken for granted by most people in my anime club. Schools that have anime clubs are typically the wealthy schools mostly attended by white kids, whereas inner city schools that are predominantly attended by African American and Hispanic kids hardly have the money for after school clubs at all. Get anime from the library? Yeah, a good library in a middle class community perhaps. People in low income communities simply do not have the same access to nerd culture as people in more affluent neighborhoods. Unfortunately, the costs associated with being a nerd can skew the racial makeup of the subculture.
There are multiple systems of privilege that exist in nerd culture as well as American society as a whole. The main difference is that nerd culture prides itself on being so egalitarian and so "past" discrimination that they feel it's okay to engage in "ironic" sexism and racism, and they don't ever feel the need to examine their privileges even for a second, because they're "above" needing to do so. Any hint that this isn't true, that nerds are just as susceptible to discrimination is dismissed at best and met with anger and extreme defensiveness at worst. This, and the fact that I'm becoming increasingly involved with the subculture, is why I am now choosing to focus on the systems of privilege, especially gender dynamics, within it.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Mixed Feelings About Geek Girl Con
I was THRILLED when I heard about Geek Girl Con, really I was. Finally, I thought, a convention addressing female nerds and their interests, rather than catering almost exclusively to guys. I wished I could go, but unfortunately the convention is in Seattle. I do not live in Seattle, nor do I have the means to fly out there, stay in a hotel room for 2-3 nights, and buy food in food courts or restaurants or wherever food is available for that weekend.
Seriously guys, conventions add up, think about it. There's registration, which is obvious, then unless you live next door to the convention center there's usually some travel expense incurred. If you're coming from out of the state or even outside the city you probably need a hotel room unless you have a friend who lives in the area. Then you have to get food for all the days you're there, and chances are the food by the convention center isn't cheap. And of course, most conventions have some consumerism aspect to it, most people buy something in the dealers/expo room, artists alley, whatever is there, it's difficult to resist. If you want to talk about intersectionality in nerd culture, members of marginalized groups such as women and people of color often feel an increased desire to prove their nerdiness in order to compensate for the fact that the way they were born doesn't correlate with the default nerd image (white, male, middle class, etc.), and prove that they belong in the community, and one of the best ways to do this is by buying nerdy things and attending more nerd conventions. The supposed implication is that if they don't buy manga and video games and they don't attend all these conventions, they must not be "real" nerds after all.
So anyway, yeah I can't go to Geek Girl Con unless they expand and do an eastern branch like the Penny Arcade Expo. Probably not likely to happen soon.
Now let me make this clear, I'm all for having spaces for women in nerd culture. As long as we're marginalized it's good to have at least a few spaces for us where that isn't the case and we can focus on OUR perspective on how things are going.
However, the problem is that unless we infiltrate the mainstream nerd culture so to speak, we end up with a bit of gender segregation going on. The spaces for women will remain necessary as the rest of nerd culture remains male-focused. The overall goal should be to change the latter so that clubs, conventions, late night cable lineups, etc. cater to both genders. There should be an effort not just on women's websites and women's conventions to address sexism and nerd culture, that effort should be in regular conventions and websites as well.
Seriously guys, conventions add up, think about it. There's registration, which is obvious, then unless you live next door to the convention center there's usually some travel expense incurred. If you're coming from out of the state or even outside the city you probably need a hotel room unless you have a friend who lives in the area. Then you have to get food for all the days you're there, and chances are the food by the convention center isn't cheap. And of course, most conventions have some consumerism aspect to it, most people buy something in the dealers/expo room, artists alley, whatever is there, it's difficult to resist. If you want to talk about intersectionality in nerd culture, members of marginalized groups such as women and people of color often feel an increased desire to prove their nerdiness in order to compensate for the fact that the way they were born doesn't correlate with the default nerd image (white, male, middle class, etc.), and prove that they belong in the community, and one of the best ways to do this is by buying nerdy things and attending more nerd conventions. The supposed implication is that if they don't buy manga and video games and they don't attend all these conventions, they must not be "real" nerds after all.
So anyway, yeah I can't go to Geek Girl Con unless they expand and do an eastern branch like the Penny Arcade Expo. Probably not likely to happen soon.
Now let me make this clear, I'm all for having spaces for women in nerd culture. As long as we're marginalized it's good to have at least a few spaces for us where that isn't the case and we can focus on OUR perspective on how things are going.
However, the problem is that unless we infiltrate the mainstream nerd culture so to speak, we end up with a bit of gender segregation going on. The spaces for women will remain necessary as the rest of nerd culture remains male-focused. The overall goal should be to change the latter so that clubs, conventions, late night cable lineups, etc. cater to both genders. There should be an effort not just on women's websites and women's conventions to address sexism and nerd culture, that effort should be in regular conventions and websites as well.
My First Panel
Last Sunday I held a panel - well, a one woman panel anyway - on the topic of gender and nerd culture at Anime Boston. Anime Boston, for those unfamiliar, is the biggest anime convention in New England, so it felt like the perfect place to start giving this presentation. It was originally going to be more of a discussion, which is why I requested a small room, but I got carried away with my presentation and it took up the better part of an hour.
Now, the panel was originally waitlisted. The coordinator said it wasn't exactly relevant for an anime and Japanese gaming convention. Fair enough, it does deal with a broad issue of nerd culture in general. And my friends were unconvinced that a lot of people would be interested in a panel like that. But it was accepted on the second and final round, giving me two weeks to prepare. I advertised it to people on my friendlist, and on the convention's form and Facebook page, but only my friends RSVP'd, so when the day finally came I was slightly afraid no one outside my circle of friends would attend.
I filled the room. People came in droves, a staff member had to clear out the people sitting on the floor and there was a line of people waiting to get in during the panel. I should consider asking for a bigger room next time. I was thrilled, and I was also excited that a lot of people seemed genuinely interested in the topic and had questions and comments throughout the presentation. In the future I may ask people to hold questions and comments for the end, but I really like engaging people in what I'm talking about.
I also need to decide whether I want to cut the presentation down to be a little shorter, or ask for more time. My friend insisted that if it was any longer people might be bored, but I'm unconvinced.
Unfortunately I haven't gotten a whole lot of substantial feedback in terms of what I should cover in the future, or maybe some things I should change, so I've mostly been trying to figure that out on my own. For one thing I plan on talking about booth babes in future presentations, as well as common gendered tropes in anime. I will admit I may have made a mistake in assuming that guys like the male fantasy of power that the hypermasculine video game heroes usually represent - some do, but since the panel I've found that many guys actually feel a disconnect between themselves and the super muscular man-apes in video games, hence why so many of them opt for the female playable characters when possible, because they are easier to relate to despite being female.
This seems to be a presentation that grows and evolves with time, but nevertheless something I want to keep doing. I very much enjoyed being up there and talking about the subject. I also didn't mind the applause and the praise I got afterwards, it was pretty rewarding.
Now, the panel was originally waitlisted. The coordinator said it wasn't exactly relevant for an anime and Japanese gaming convention. Fair enough, it does deal with a broad issue of nerd culture in general. And my friends were unconvinced that a lot of people would be interested in a panel like that. But it was accepted on the second and final round, giving me two weeks to prepare. I advertised it to people on my friendlist, and on the convention's form and Facebook page, but only my friends RSVP'd, so when the day finally came I was slightly afraid no one outside my circle of friends would attend.
I filled the room. People came in droves, a staff member had to clear out the people sitting on the floor and there was a line of people waiting to get in during the panel. I should consider asking for a bigger room next time. I was thrilled, and I was also excited that a lot of people seemed genuinely interested in the topic and had questions and comments throughout the presentation. In the future I may ask people to hold questions and comments for the end, but I really like engaging people in what I'm talking about.
I also need to decide whether I want to cut the presentation down to be a little shorter, or ask for more time. My friend insisted that if it was any longer people might be bored, but I'm unconvinced.
Unfortunately I haven't gotten a whole lot of substantial feedback in terms of what I should cover in the future, or maybe some things I should change, so I've mostly been trying to figure that out on my own. For one thing I plan on talking about booth babes in future presentations, as well as common gendered tropes in anime. I will admit I may have made a mistake in assuming that guys like the male fantasy of power that the hypermasculine video game heroes usually represent - some do, but since the panel I've found that many guys actually feel a disconnect between themselves and the super muscular man-apes in video games, hence why so many of them opt for the female playable characters when possible, because they are easier to relate to despite being female.
This seems to be a presentation that grows and evolves with time, but nevertheless something I want to keep doing. I very much enjoyed being up there and talking about the subject. I also didn't mind the applause and the praise I got afterwards, it was pretty rewarding.
You Know What Happens When You Assume
This is a general message, but it's something I really want decision-makers in the nerd community to hear: stop assuming what men and women want. It's getting old.
Game developers assume their audience is mostly white, heterosexual teenage boys, so they cater to what they THINK that demographic wants. Vendors at conventions use booth babes because they assume the (presumably male dominated) audience wants to see. Anime club officers will mostly show anime aimed at men, because they assume that the women won't care if all the club watches is robots and pantyshots and the men won't want to watch anything that remotely appeals to a female audience.
Fact is, men don't necessarily need to see impossibly hot women in impossibly skimpy outfits in order to enjoy a video game. A poll on the PAX website showed that convention attendees preferred to have knowledgeable people working at booths rather than just attractive women who don't know much about the product. Statistics show that many male gamers actually prefer to play as women in games where they can choose to play as a man or woman, because the male option is so hypermasculine that they actually relate to the woman more than the man (not to mention the female avatars tend to look more human than the male options). Plenty of male gamers find it refreshing and therefore interesting when the hero in a game happens to be a woman. Plenty of guys enjoy watching Studio Ghibli movies, many of which feature strong female protagonists. When my anime club watched anime featuring female protagonists, or just had a strong presence of women, they guys didn't run away screaming, their junk didn't fall off, most of them ENJOYED the series.
Now, I wonder what the actual standards are for what constitutes a strong female character. I feels like female protagonists are often under a lot of scrutiny and are expected to be nothing less than superheroes with hearts and minds of steel, with very little femininity to speak of. There's still this femiphobic idea that a woman cannot be both feminine and strong, she has to be one or the other. I also get the feeling that female leads have to be REALLY awesome in order to win the attention of male viewers. BUT the fact remains that men don't have quite the aversion to female characters that a lot of executives seem to think.
Ultimately, decision makers in the nerd community need to do a little more market research before just assuming what their male and female demographics want. Because as it turns out, they're not always correct.
Game developers assume their audience is mostly white, heterosexual teenage boys, so they cater to what they THINK that demographic wants. Vendors at conventions use booth babes because they assume the (presumably male dominated) audience wants to see. Anime club officers will mostly show anime aimed at men, because they assume that the women won't care if all the club watches is robots and pantyshots and the men won't want to watch anything that remotely appeals to a female audience.
Fact is, men don't necessarily need to see impossibly hot women in impossibly skimpy outfits in order to enjoy a video game. A poll on the PAX website showed that convention attendees preferred to have knowledgeable people working at booths rather than just attractive women who don't know much about the product. Statistics show that many male gamers actually prefer to play as women in games where they can choose to play as a man or woman, because the male option is so hypermasculine that they actually relate to the woman more than the man (not to mention the female avatars tend to look more human than the male options). Plenty of male gamers find it refreshing and therefore interesting when the hero in a game happens to be a woman. Plenty of guys enjoy watching Studio Ghibli movies, many of which feature strong female protagonists. When my anime club watched anime featuring female protagonists, or just had a strong presence of women, they guys didn't run away screaming, their junk didn't fall off, most of them ENJOYED the series.
Now, I wonder what the actual standards are for what constitutes a strong female character. I feels like female protagonists are often under a lot of scrutiny and are expected to be nothing less than superheroes with hearts and minds of steel, with very little femininity to speak of. There's still this femiphobic idea that a woman cannot be both feminine and strong, she has to be one or the other. I also get the feeling that female leads have to be REALLY awesome in order to win the attention of male viewers. BUT the fact remains that men don't have quite the aversion to female characters that a lot of executives seem to think.
Ultimately, decision makers in the nerd community need to do a little more market research before just assuming what their male and female demographics want. Because as it turns out, they're not always correct.
Monday, April 9, 2012
My History with Video Games
Growing up in the 1990's, video games always seemed like a "guy thing." I didn't know any girls who played video games, the people I remember playing them were my neighbor and friend's older brother, and some of my male cousins. I can't remember if I wasn't interested because they were a guy thing, or if that perception made me feel like I shouldn't be interested. I think I may have wanted to try but was too afraid to ask. Though oddly enough I did play with some "boy toys" like Legos and Hot Wheels. I don't remember seeing video game commercials on TV growing up, or if I did they did not interest me for a long time.
The first video game I remember playing was Power Pete. It was a game where a toy soldier, very masculine and GI Joe-esque, would battle through several worlds in a toy store to rescue bouncing bunnies. Yeah, really. It was highly addictive though. It came pre-installed on my family's computer, an early Macintosh desktop. I saw my dad playing it once, and eventually decided I wanted to try. I think I remember asking my dad too, though I wonder if he was hesitant at first. Again, I was young, we still lived in the apartment at the time so I couldn't have been older than 7. Most of the games I played had educational purposes: Math Blaster, Treasure Cove, Millie's Math House, stuff like that. But I got into it and boy did I love it! Although I don't think I beat it for a few years. It wasn't exactly easy. God I miss that game.
I didn't know what Zelda was, nor did I know a heck of a lot about Mario other than my cousins in Canada liked to play it and they were often frustrated with the game. Again, it looked like fun but I was afraid to ask if I could try. Never mind learning about games like Silent Hill or Final Fantasy until I was much, much older. Not like I would have been allowed to play them until I was older.
When I was in elementary school, I think third or fourth grade, I finally wanted a Playstation. I think it was the Spice Girls video game that intrigued me. Though I'd seen commercials for the Spyro game and that looked like fun too. I was in forth grade when I got it, and it came with a demo disk that got me hooked on Spyro, Crash Bandicoot Warped, and Medievil (which I pronounded "Medi-evil" for the longest time). I rented a few others too that I don't remember. Of course, with the exception of the Spice Girls game which I hardly count nowadays, all the video games I really liked had male heroes. And I barely noticed it, though I did enjoy the chance to play as Coco Bandicoot in parts of Warped and again in Crash Team Racing where you could choose which character you could drive as. I also found a cheat to turn Spyro pink and used it. I didn't mind that I usually had to play as a male character because the games were fun regardless, although I always relished the opportunity to play a female character when possible.
I remember not being allowed to play Medievil until I was 12, and even then my dad had his hesitations. I think I remember trying to sneak it somehow, maybe I was playing the demo or something, and one of my friends narc'd on me to my dad and I got in trouble. I think that happened anyway . . . ANYWAY that kept me from even touching the other, more violent games. Then again, the horror genre didn't really intrigue me much anyway. Wasn't a horror fan until later in life. And I didn't have gamer friends. I had cousins who were into games but my friends weren't, until I got to 6th grade and a couple kids in my science class also liked Spyro. They seemed to grow out of it after a while.
I remember being very hesitant to try new video games when around male peers, or groups of peers that were predominantly male anyway. In general I have a fear of failing at something and looking stupid, which is why I'm generally uncomfortable with one on one lessons in just about anything, but when it came to video games it wasn't just the fear of failing that kept me away from the controller. I was afraid that I would do poorly and look stupid, and my failure to immediately catch on would be attributed to my gender rather than my rookie status. I figured people would expect me to do poorly because I was a girl, and then laugh when I would inevitably fail. Silly girl, thinking she could play video games, now let the men keep playing. Now, was that a fair assumption? I don't know.
Even now I feel a push to work just as hard to get good at a game so I won't be seen as some silly girl trying to play video games. I'm still afraid to play anything not dance related because I'm afraid that if I fail, or if I don't do a good job, I will be judged not as a bad player, or even a new player still trying to get the hang of a new gameplay style (I'm still awful at first person shooters like Bioshock), but that my poor playing will be tied to my gender. Do not want!
I generally keep my mouth shut when it comes to games. I don't want to admit that I haven't played X game or haven't finished Y game. I don't call myself a gamer because I'm afraid I won't actually fit the criteria and, thanks to the "fake girl geek" stereotype, I will be labeled a poser rather than a newbie who has simply given herself a title she has yet to earn. Kind of like how people called me a poser when I identified as a "punk" while not quite into the right bands to be able to call myself that. Rather than say "I wouldn't call those bands punk, but you're headed in the right direction, here give these bands a listen," they would flatly tell me the bands I liked weren't punk rock and called me a poser behind my back. Not. Helpful. Or when people called me a "fluff bunny" when I claimed to be Wiccan but had only read Silver Ravenwolf and hadn't joined a coven. I still haven't joined a coven, though I've found better authors and websites on the subject - still, I don't call myself a Wiccan, I say I'm Pagan with Wiccan leanings, and I get crap for that too so sometimes, depending on the situation, I don't say anything.
In either case, it would have been awesome if someone had recommended better bands, or books, or whatever, in order to get me further into something I was clearly interested in, rather than immediately call me a poser and shut me out. They didn't have to shut me out.
The fact is, I have game ADD. I get frustrated, I put the game down, and I may or may not ever get back to it. I may find something else and forget about it. I fear asking for help for the same reasons I listed above, I'm afraid of fulfilling the clueless/stupid gamer girl stereotype and having people chuckle at me because, you know, I'm just some girl that can't figure out something so simple. Or someone who hasn't beaten a game that "everyone" has already beaten like ten times. I'm just getting into it now? Psh, kinda late to the game, I must be trying to impress a guy or something.
Yeah, maybe I am. Maybe I'm trying to impress ALL the guys and show them that my uterus doesn't make me incapable of playing/genuinely liking video games.
The first video game I remember playing was Power Pete. It was a game where a toy soldier, very masculine and GI Joe-esque, would battle through several worlds in a toy store to rescue bouncing bunnies. Yeah, really. It was highly addictive though. It came pre-installed on my family's computer, an early Macintosh desktop. I saw my dad playing it once, and eventually decided I wanted to try. I think I remember asking my dad too, though I wonder if he was hesitant at first. Again, I was young, we still lived in the apartment at the time so I couldn't have been older than 7. Most of the games I played had educational purposes: Math Blaster, Treasure Cove, Millie's Math House, stuff like that. But I got into it and boy did I love it! Although I don't think I beat it for a few years. It wasn't exactly easy. God I miss that game.
I didn't know what Zelda was, nor did I know a heck of a lot about Mario other than my cousins in Canada liked to play it and they were often frustrated with the game. Again, it looked like fun but I was afraid to ask if I could try. Never mind learning about games like Silent Hill or Final Fantasy until I was much, much older. Not like I would have been allowed to play them until I was older.
When I was in elementary school, I think third or fourth grade, I finally wanted a Playstation. I think it was the Spice Girls video game that intrigued me. Though I'd seen commercials for the Spyro game and that looked like fun too. I was in forth grade when I got it, and it came with a demo disk that got me hooked on Spyro, Crash Bandicoot Warped, and Medievil (which I pronounded "Medi-evil" for the longest time). I rented a few others too that I don't remember. Of course, with the exception of the Spice Girls game which I hardly count nowadays, all the video games I really liked had male heroes. And I barely noticed it, though I did enjoy the chance to play as Coco Bandicoot in parts of Warped and again in Crash Team Racing where you could choose which character you could drive as. I also found a cheat to turn Spyro pink and used it. I didn't mind that I usually had to play as a male character because the games were fun regardless, although I always relished the opportunity to play a female character when possible.
I remember not being allowed to play Medievil until I was 12, and even then my dad had his hesitations. I think I remember trying to sneak it somehow, maybe I was playing the demo or something, and one of my friends narc'd on me to my dad and I got in trouble. I think that happened anyway . . . ANYWAY that kept me from even touching the other, more violent games. Then again, the horror genre didn't really intrigue me much anyway. Wasn't a horror fan until later in life. And I didn't have gamer friends. I had cousins who were into games but my friends weren't, until I got to 6th grade and a couple kids in my science class also liked Spyro. They seemed to grow out of it after a while.
I remember being very hesitant to try new video games when around male peers, or groups of peers that were predominantly male anyway. In general I have a fear of failing at something and looking stupid, which is why I'm generally uncomfortable with one on one lessons in just about anything, but when it came to video games it wasn't just the fear of failing that kept me away from the controller. I was afraid that I would do poorly and look stupid, and my failure to immediately catch on would be attributed to my gender rather than my rookie status. I figured people would expect me to do poorly because I was a girl, and then laugh when I would inevitably fail. Silly girl, thinking she could play video games, now let the men keep playing. Now, was that a fair assumption? I don't know.
Even now I feel a push to work just as hard to get good at a game so I won't be seen as some silly girl trying to play video games. I'm still afraid to play anything not dance related because I'm afraid that if I fail, or if I don't do a good job, I will be judged not as a bad player, or even a new player still trying to get the hang of a new gameplay style (I'm still awful at first person shooters like Bioshock), but that my poor playing will be tied to my gender. Do not want!
I generally keep my mouth shut when it comes to games. I don't want to admit that I haven't played X game or haven't finished Y game. I don't call myself a gamer because I'm afraid I won't actually fit the criteria and, thanks to the "fake girl geek" stereotype, I will be labeled a poser rather than a newbie who has simply given herself a title she has yet to earn. Kind of like how people called me a poser when I identified as a "punk" while not quite into the right bands to be able to call myself that. Rather than say "I wouldn't call those bands punk, but you're headed in the right direction, here give these bands a listen," they would flatly tell me the bands I liked weren't punk rock and called me a poser behind my back. Not. Helpful. Or when people called me a "fluff bunny" when I claimed to be Wiccan but had only read Silver Ravenwolf and hadn't joined a coven. I still haven't joined a coven, though I've found better authors and websites on the subject - still, I don't call myself a Wiccan, I say I'm Pagan with Wiccan leanings, and I get crap for that too so sometimes, depending on the situation, I don't say anything.
In either case, it would have been awesome if someone had recommended better bands, or books, or whatever, in order to get me further into something I was clearly interested in, rather than immediately call me a poser and shut me out. They didn't have to shut me out.
The fact is, I have game ADD. I get frustrated, I put the game down, and I may or may not ever get back to it. I may find something else and forget about it. I fear asking for help for the same reasons I listed above, I'm afraid of fulfilling the clueless/stupid gamer girl stereotype and having people chuckle at me because, you know, I'm just some girl that can't figure out something so simple. Or someone who hasn't beaten a game that "everyone" has already beaten like ten times. I'm just getting into it now? Psh, kinda late to the game, I must be trying to impress a guy or something.
Yeah, maybe I am. Maybe I'm trying to impress ALL the guys and show them that my uterus doesn't make me incapable of playing/genuinely liking video games.
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